Final Blog: Who I Truly Am

This last blog will be a little hard for me to write, although there are a few people in this class who know, including Leeper. I'd like to thank Sarah Bish for giving me the courage to write this.

So... I am an asexual transgender man.

First off, asexual means I experience no sexual attraction to anyone, so no, I'm not an amoeba or a plant. Besides, the proper scientific term for the reproduction of single-cell organisms is "agametic". The more you know!

About being trans, no, I'm not transitioning because I'm a tomboy or because it's "cool". I've low key known for years, even before I discovered what LGBT+ was. I always felt more masculine than most of the girls I knew (though I do have a feminine side; who doesn't?) and hated my figure when I developed (still do). Femininity and being a girl in general seemed to be a curse placed upon me until I delved deeper into why I felt uncomfortable with myself. I found out about trans people who experienced the same discomforts, known as gender dysphoria.

Call me fake, call me sick in the head, tell me I'm going to hell, whatever you want to say to me.
Though I'd prefer you refer to me as Lee and use male pronouns.

Sayonara, folks! It's been a good semester.

Music Part 2: All I Have

NF is another one of my favorite artists. His music is so raw and real. The first time I really listened to "Mansion", I cried, and it helped me through a difficult time last year. Same with "Paralyzed". "How Could You Leave Us",  about his mother who died from an overdose on pills she was addicted to, never fails to wrench my heart. "Wait" makes me think of my crush and my doubts on how a relationship would go between us. "Notepad" reminds me of my connection to my sketchbooks and how far both myself and my art have come.

"All I Have" holds a special place in my heart, though. I've dreamed crazy dreams, discovered who I really am, and set high goals to build a foundation under. And I've had people, including myself, tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, that my goals are too high, that my real self isn't really me, that's it's just a phase. Let me be. Let me learn. Let me dream. The least you can do is let me be.

That's why I love the chorus:

"Don't tell me that this isn't real
Dont tell me this ain't how I feel
This is all I have, all I have"

Music Part 1: Glowing Eyes

Since I hadn't gotten to talk about music and music videos when the topic was fresh, I'll do it now.

One of my favorite artists is twenty one pilots (spare the groans and listen up), and one of my favorite songs by them is "Glowing Eyes", off their second album Regional At Best. When you first listen to it, it has a peppy beat, but you'd be wrong if you think it's a happy song. Hell, the third line of the song is "We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is". In short, "Glowing Eyes" is more or less about knowing the right way to go about life and exist peacefully, but wanting to stay with your demons anyway and entertain them. It's irrational, stupid, and all too real for anyone suffering any type and severity of mental illness.

Because of how this song affects me, one lyric in particular, I made a drawing relating to the song some time ago.

"We all know somebody who knows somebody who's doing great,

I know some people who know people who are flying straight,

But I'll kindly enter into rooms of depression,

While ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again."

What is the Character Feeling?

While reading an article for a quiz I missed some time ago, I came across this brilliant method for storytelling: "What is the character feeling?" I've usually used this in my stories, as I'm an emotionally driven person, but this was a nice reminder, as I really want to get back into writing.

Being a writer can feel like playing God, but at the same time, you've got to have a conversation with your characters. How would they feel about a friend suddenly dying in an accident? What are their thoughts when they get proposed to? What are their goals in life, views on mortality and death, favorite kind of soup, whether they like tea or coffee, etc. There's no question too useless to ask of your character.

I've got a story about a 61-year-old vampire who doesn't like being immortal, another about a group of aliens trying to save their friends and the world, yet another about a man who realizes he's gay after meeting the man of his dreams, and many more. What all those have in common is that I'm in almost constant conversation with all of the characters within each story, and I learn more about them over time as I give them obstacles and watch how they overcome.

Lenore Sharp, her brother Andre Castillo, his girlfriend Esperanza Reyes, and her twin Estela Reyes.
(original characters)

Crisis of Disconnection

So I've been subscribed to an informational YouTube channel called Kurzgesagt, which means "In A Nutshell" in German. They post relatively short video on a variety of science and social science oriented topics. They've covered a lot of subjects, from black holes and the death of the universe to how the immune system works and how malaria is slowly being eliminated. I recently rewatched their video titled "Addiction", providing a new view on how addiction to drugs, porn, gambling, excessive internet use, etc. works. It starts with an observation that dimorphine, given in hospitals, doesn't create an addiction to the drug, even though its dirty cousin heroin has many addicts worldwide. There were experiments conducted involving heroin and both rats and humans where if around a healthy, social community, the use of the drug was pretty much nonexistent. To quote the video, "It's not the chemicals, it's your cage."

Isolation leads to bonding with anything pleasurable, anything that elicits a feeling of connection. We as social beings need connection, and we haven't been connecting very well, Americans reportedly having less close friends today than in the past. Addicts in general, most commonly drug addicts, are often severely punished and isolated, leaving them hopeless and their addiction as their only friend.

Addiction may be more related to what we surround ourselves with rather than the drug itself. The crisis of disconnection needs a solution.

Quiz 2

Storytelling and characterization is crucial to a good film. Co Hoedeman's Tchou Tchou does both of those key elements in a piece of attention-grabbing media without any words spoken. The playful boy and girl go from happy-go-lucky children to unlikely heroes of the block world by using their creativity to solve problems. As stated, the children are playful and creative, as well as very close to each other. The dragon-snake-thing has very little personality, but it is definitely the classic children's story villain by adopting the archetype and having a taste for destruction. The critters that can be seen flying and crawling around aren't the most important, but they provide extra interest in the action on screen and make the scene more natural. The failed attempts of running and hiding from the dragon only lead up to the morphing of the beast into an adorable reptilian train. Moral of the story is that creativity is a good assistant in problem solving and, as every creator knows, in storytelling.

Short Term 12: the Art of Telling Realistic Stories

I've always been so fascinated with the stories behind everyday people. You never know who's got an amazing story. For example, a distant relative of mine invented the first hydraulic ironworker, another worked at Pixar in its beginnings, and yet another flew with Chuck Yeager, the first man to break the sound barrier by plane.

While lots of people have amazing stories, many have their fair share of sad tales. Short Term 12 shares stories from fictional characters that are quite realistic. Heck, I know some people with interesting, sometimes sad stories. Their names will be kept anonymous out of respect for their personal lives.

(Edit: okay i can't explain why all the text down here is whited out)

E.L.D. was raised by her grandparents, pregnant at age 16, smoked weed, cut herself, and tried to kill herself three times. She's since had one more child, got married, and graduated with a GED.

A.K.A.'s parents divorced when she was eight years old. She's my best friend, was the valedictorian of our class and is at IU Bloomington.

A.M.M.'s younger brother nearly submitted to a suicide pact with his so-called friend. She's a senior in high school, also valedictorian material, and wants to be a doctor in OB/GYN.

K.W.'s parents were missionaries, and hid her sexuality from them. Her parents now accept her sexuality and she's planning to study Middle Eastern cultures when she graduates.

Those are just four of my closest friends from back home. Everyone has a story, what's yours?

A sketch I used a reference base for. From left to right: A.K.A, A.M.M., myself, K.W., and an unmentioned friend C.G.

Chalk It Up to Talent?

When I showcase a piece of my art, I always get somebody telling me how talented or gifted I am, or "I can barely draw a stick figure!", "Can you teach me how to draw?", man, there are so many things I've heard. I take the compliments as they are, but I can't help but be a little bugged. Sure, I have a creative bend and measure most of my thoughts around it, but I was not born drawing. Artistic prowess is a tediously learned skill, it's not some heavenly gift bestowed upon me, that's the art's job to be a gift to the world, regardless of if it's taken or not. Anyone can learn how to draw, believe it or not. You may only be able to draw stick figures now, but if you worked at it, you could get pretty good! However, if you want to learn, I'm just an artist, not a teacher, so all I can do is recommend tutorials. Sorry dudes!

A Reason to Live, pt. 2

So... suicide. Fun topic. Fun experience. Ah... where to start? When I was 12, I became aware of my own mortality and overly aware of how I could take my own life. Let me tell you, as a preteen, that's an incredibly scary thought to have running through your head. I'd heard of depressed people dealing with suicidal thoughts, but there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was terrified, so I told my parents about what I was thinking, but they seemed to brush it off like I could handle it. I spent years avoiding sharp objects as much as I could, and when I finally overcame that obstacle, I was so happy and confident in myself.

Sadly, that's not the end of the story. The previous challenge was a small hill compared to the mountain range to come. Over time, my confidence faded into an apathetic depression with peaks of anxiety. I had very few friends in the time before and the following period, which was through middle and high school. On top of that, I had my nose shoved into the Bible on the daily, reading it not because I wanted to, but because I had to get a good grade in Bible class. No one in my private school cared, and even when I caught attention by writing a testimony filled with sorrow and uncertainty for the future for the aforementioned class, I don't even know if the school sincerely cared. After I switched to public school, sought counseling, and was finally around people I cared about, things got a little better.

Alas, a change of atmosphere can only change so much. I still am affected by anxiety and suicidal thoughts, but now I can clearly see I have reasons to keep going. My family, friends, art, and experiences that have happened or are going to happen are my reasons to live, and I've never been more certain.

A Reason to Live

The documentary about independent game developers was super interesting! The video games spotlighted seem very nonsensical at first glance, but to all three developers, the games had personal meaning and a purpose. One of the men who made Super Meat Boy had expressed that his younger self would have loved it, and Aether was inspired by his niece and the isolation creators often go through.

Phil Fish really caught my attention, though. He's got guts to continue making an incredibly complex game by himself among waves of harassment and game bugs as experienced at that convention. Something he said stood out to me when he was asked what would happen if he didn't finish FEZ.

"[If I didn't finish FEZ] I'd kill myself." He sounded quite serious, and I can sadly understand why he would say something like that. FEZ was his reason to live.

After he said that, I heard a couple giggles from some people nearby.

I have a message for those people: Don't laugh. For God's sake, don't laugh at that. There are many jokes in this world to laugh at, but, and I hate to sound like a social justice warrior, suicide is not funny. 

Even the threat or mere passing jest of it isn't funny.

It's not funny.

Laugh again when the smallest problem has the potential to send you spiraling downward.

Laugh again when you're still trying to overcome an irrational fear of knives.

Laugh again when you can't even recognize yourself in a mirror due to a bout of severe dysphoria, doubting your entire existence.

Laugh again when you have to take a good hard look at yourself, separate soul from body, give yourself a list of reasons to not end your life, and hope to God that you listen to yourself.

I ask kindly, please don't laugh. Suicide is a terrifying beast to face, it's a moment-by-moment battle with your own mind. I could talk about this and give my experiences and how I've dealt with it, but I'll save that for another post.

A doodle from a past despairing, featuring a lyric from the song Anathema by twenty one pilots.

Scratch

When I was in grade school, my computer teacher introduced us to this children's software called Scratch. The best way I can describe it is "coding for kids". You could draw your own subjects and backgrounds and program them with premade functions that you can combine into sequences to create a simple form of interactive media. It was one of the strangest and best things I had come across at that point on my life. After spending some time fiddling with it at school, I had successfully made a simple game I titled "Fly Guy". The player controlled a fly and had to avoid a piece of crumpled paper that moved randomly across the screen. I was so proud of that game that I downloaded Scratch to my own computer and had my teacher email the game file to me. Alas, the little game is gone forever, but Scratch is still available as a downloadable program and has become a community website where you can publicly display your works.

Recent doodle of the titular fly of the game I made.

Something Big

So VP-Elect Mike Pence recently went to see the latest hit musical, Hamilton. In a musical that's about the beginnings of the United States, it would be expected to have strong political statements. Allegedly, the audience and the cast were rude to Pence, with people booing him and having a song sung at him, the one King George sings. I don't really know, as I wasn't there, one can't believe everything they read on the Internet, and I'm listening to the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time as I'm writing this. However, the official Twitter account for the musical put up a video of their ending address to Pence, expressing their concern for the future, as the cast is a rather diverse group, and during campaigning, Trump has said some very offensive things regarding the diversity of America. From what I heard in the address, they were simply hoping for a future where the government listens to the people and embraces that people are different by nature.

Many who rally behind the "Make America Great Again" slogan took to the Internet to voice their anger at the cast of Hamilton, starting the hashtag #BoycottHamilton (which, to be honest, I'd gladly take a few tickets off of a boycotter) and calling them overly sensitive and disrespectful. Those folks are getting uptight about people concerned for the future, who's the sensitive one? Can no one voice their opinion anymore? I have no right to shut their mouths and they have every right to disagree, but they have no right to shut someone else's mouth. It's like when someone asks why you're sad when it could be worse. Things in this country have been worse, like participating in the African slave trade, putting innocent Japanese people in camps, and marking anyone wearing a headscarf or turban a terrorist, and things can always get worse because humanity is incredibly unpredictable.

History is doomed to repeat itself, and the USA hasn't had anything big happen in a long time. I'm personally expecting something revolutionary to happen in the next four years, and Lord knows if it'll take lives.

In a related note, Trump had tweeted that theatre should be a safe place and that the cast should apologize. Seeing that gave me a flashback to every plot line driven by the outlawing of art, music, and creativity in general. It made me a little scared, as art is meant to challenge, offend, and provoke thought, and if that's not to be had, I don't know how I could live, let alone deal with it.

...Welcome to modern America, I guess..?

Ryan

This documentary hit me in a strange, sensitive spot. The way the animator portrayed the interviewer and the interviewee was nonsensical at first glance, but it really showcased the emotions and struggles of the two. An invisible gap between viewer and content was bridged, because as a creative person, the damaged and spindly parts really did feel like something I have, like parts of me are exposed to the elements solely because I create art. Art does ride the line between openness and hiding. The exposed parts, the stuff that I put out there that come from a deep, dark place, is still hidden behind a layer of personal meaning. I pour my soul out, yet no one will truly understand why exactly the soul I poured out made that shape.

Ryan also reminded me of a moment I had on Monday that I captured in a quick pen doodle. I'll end with that. What do you guys think it means?

YouTube Talk: Game Grumps

"Hey I'm Grump! I'm Not-So-Grump! And we're the Game Grumps!"

Game Grumps may not have the most subscribers, but their extremely loyal cult following more than makes up for that. The channel was originally started in 2012 by Arin "Egoraptor" Hanson and Jon "JonTron" Jafari. Despite their main channels' differences, Arin being an animator/voice actor and Jon doing humor-laden reviews of games and B-list movies & TV shows, they had a joint love for video games and decided to start a let's play channel. Mid-2013, Jon left the channel to focus on his own channel, and a mutual friend of theirs, Dan Avidan (aka Danny Sexbang of comedy band Ninja Sex Party) joined to play games alongside Arin.

Game Grumps' gameplay style is less like a walkthrough and more like sitting by two of your friends and watching them play video games. It's filled with banter, hilarity, vulgarity, and sometimes frustration at the game that leads to some pretty ridiculous raging. If you don't mind the aforementioned vulgarity, I would recommend Game Grumps to anyone.

YouTube Talk: The Online Goth Scene

I may not look like it most of the time, but I consider myself a part of the goth subculture. I've always been fascinated with the darker, sadder parts of life, I like wearing black, and Halloween is my favorite holiday. But I'm not here to talk about myself, instead I'll tell you about three YouTubers that educated me on the subculture and showed me how diverse the community is.

Kaya, aka Toxic Tears, is an Irish lady who mainly does video blogs about her life and sometimes does clothing & makeup hauls and unboxing videos. Bianca, aka Drac Makens, is a Latina woman who hails from Texas and posts makeup tutorials, swatches, and just-for-fun stuff. Angela Benedict, who is from somewhere around the US East Coast,  often talks about her life as a goth in the 90s, detailing her experiences in the clubs and the subculture in general back in the day. All three of these ladies have made videos about being goth and the background of these darkly clad people. Of course, there are many more goth YouTubers out there, but those three are my favorites.

Eye artwork by Drac Makens, inspired by the film Crimson Peak.

Theatre in the Round with Flips and Suplexes

That title is probably the best title to anything I've written so far, and that's because it's a very accurate description of professional wrestling. A couple other favorite descriptions of this form of sports entertainment are "soap opera for men" and "intense man drama." It's definitely not for everyone, but this form of media has a ton of viewers across the globe regardless, its largest audiences being in the United States, Mexico, Japan, and the United Kingdom. Critics of pro wrestling question why people would watch it, since it's not real fighting. I will say, it indeed is fake, it's meant to be entertainment. We don't exactly watch Star Wars or American Horror Story for the realism.

Professional wrestling is more akin to theatre than athletics, though both are prominent aspects of it. Theatre in the round is its most similar relative, that type of theatre being constructed as a central stage surrounded by people. The central ring, the dramatic storylines, and a diverse cast of characters... it fits more in theatrics, but the athleticism and strength displayed by the wrestlers make pro wrestling more of its own brand of entertainment. It really is theatre in the round with flips, duplexes, and much more.

Dolph Ziggler serving a beatdown on Dean Ambrose during a SmackDown show I went to last year.

Meet My Character, Nikaya Sharp

I have always been so obsessed with making up characters. There's so many possibilities with creating a new, albeit fictional, being. You could make them famous, battle-scarred, shy, prissy, creepy... it's endless with how creative you can get!

While I have a ton of characters, some more developed the others, there's one that stands out to me: a man I named Nikaya Sharp.

Nikaya, or Niky, is a vampire from the north of England who works as a magazine model (the whole "vampires don't show up in photos/mirrors" thing is kinda dumb, they're still flesh-and-blood beings, just immortal), and is married to a shapeshifter and amateur photographer, Lenore. Niky isn't centuries or millennia old; he was born in 1955 and bitten in 1984. He went through some illicit careers and name changes to try and keep a clean slate, but he's abandoning his past and making himself new.

I guess the reason why I like this guy so much is because he kinda reminds me of myself. Writers often reveal a bit of themselves through their work, don't they?

Drawing of him from 2015. I really need to draw him more if a pic over a year old is the best example I have.

Bonding Over Media

For a long time, I didn't feel like I truly bonded with my dad. As a child, he encouraged my love for science, my budding creativity, and my endless curiosity. He helped me with my math homework and school projects, and fixed my toys when they broke. When I got older, I felt more distant from him, no longer interested in becoming a paleontologist, geologist, or whatever kind of sciencey -ist you can think of. We loved each other as father and child, but there was a rift, not out of hatred or any negative emotions, we just couldn't relate to each other very well.

Now, I became a fan of professional wrestling in early 2015, and I kept it a secret due to me being afraid of being made fun of for loving a "fake sport" (that's a can of worms I may open later). It was actually at Pizza Junction that I asked my dad if I could go to a match that was coming up in a couple months. He was surprised that I was a fan, but he was a longtime on-and-off watcher of pro wrestling since he was a kid! Since then, he's told me stories of what pro wrestling was before WWE became humongous, and I've been telling him of the modern era and we sometimes watch Monday Night Raw or SmackDown together. We've even gone to a couple shows, both of which were super fun.

This really goes to show that media can help form bonds, as I've gotten closer to my dad through our mutual love of pro wrestling. Dad, I know you read the blogs, and I just wanted to say that I love you. You don't hear that enough. :)

Selfie from my first WWE show in November 2015!

The Book of Bad Poetry

Whenever I have a moment of despairing or a very good thought, I either draw it out or write it down. Most of my writings are in this small leather book that I bought at the Printer's Row Literature Festival in Chicago about two years ago. It didn't get much use until I finally got the idea to write my thoughts in it. The writing in there is deeply personal, so I don't share much of it with anyone. Another reason I don't share it is because a lot of the poetry is very much sub-par. I didn't end up calling it "The Book of Bad Poetry" for nothing!

For the sake of this blog, however, I will share one.

The Pledge -- 5/4/16

"I pledge allegiance..."

They stand to listen.

"...to the flag..."

Those familiar stars and stripes.

"...of the United States of America."

The throbbing of their blood blister comes to the forefront.

"...And to the republic..."

A tree moves outside.

"...for which it stands, one nation..."

Their sight is averted, white flowers bob up and down in the rain.

"...under God..."

Were they so sure of this?

"...indivisible..."

Political parties.

"...with liberty and justice for all."

Yeah, right.

The little book itself! So small, so cute, so full of teenage angst.

YouTube Talk- The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire

If you're a regular consumer of YouTube content, you're bound to know who Dan and Phil are. Just in case you don't know, Dan Howell and Phil Lester are two English vloggers who are longtime YouTubers, "AmazingPhil" being started in 2006 and "danisnotonfire" in 2009. These two went from a couple nobodies from different parts of England who didn't even know each other to best friends and Internet superstars. They're among some of the most well-known YouTube icons, alongside Felix Kjellberg (PewDiePie), Lilly Singh (IISuperwomanII), Jenna Mourey (JennaMarbles), and Mark Fischbach (Markiplier). Dan and Phil usually appeal to their combined 9+ million strong audience of mostly preteen and teenage girls with video blogs about their life and opinions.

In 2015, they published a book, The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire, and embarked on a short United Kingdom only run of a show they created called The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire. The tour was a success, and in 2016, they took the show to America. I had the privilege of going to one of the shows, the one on May 28th in Chicago, to be specific, and the show was pretty good! It was incredibly silly and nonsensical, the plot of the whole thing starting with Phil dopeishly microwaving his laptop to try and get more charge, resulting in the contents of the Internet exploding into real life. Shenanigans ensue related to their YouTube content with some audience interaction along the way, and they eventually resolve the issue.

The whole performance, plus a documentary about their life on the road during the American tour, are available to watch on YouTube Red. It's worth the look-see if you're a fan or just curious.

They're respectively 25 and 29, yet they act like children. It's stupid funny.