Love

Love has always been one of those mysterious subjects to me. It's not like I'm completely oblivious to what is, it's just my view of love has been twisted by bad experiences. So the fear of rejection drives a lot of my decisions whether it be with relationships, or with my future. The things I wish to love are stopped by rational or irrational fear of rejection. But I guess it's only part of the journey. The rush of the chance of getting hurt whether it be through relationships or through my career. I need to learn how to make it drive me instead of stop me.

Lists

I really like lists. That's a weird thing to say but I have this obsession with reading lists or watching videos about lists. Now to organize my thoughts I make lists, whether it's goals. Or ideas for stories. Or lists just for life general. I just really like lists. And I feel like these blogs are just giant long lists if interests written by us students in this class.

Blogs

As the blogging comes to an end, I must say, these were a challenge for me. From not being able to have any content to write about to not having the ability to write down exactly how I feel or what I want to say. But in the end I am glad that I had to do these. It challenged me to think harder about the media I consume. Or to search farther and harder for that one thing that inspires me more. I enjoyed the challenge, and I'm glad I could finish out strong with these blogs.

Maui's Quote

Just thought I'd go back to the Moana quote I brought up a few blogs earlier. I really would just love to bring it into the spotlight cause I think it is one of the most real and beautiful quotes that can be easily translated into a story of adoption in the real world with kids from foreign countries or even kids who were born in America.

Maui: "I wasn't born a demigod. I had human parents. They took one look and decided they did not want me. They threw me into the sea, like I was nothing. Somehow I was found by the gods, they gave me the hook. They made me "Maui". And back to the humans I went..."

Moana: "You took the heart for them. You did everything for them. So they would love you."

Maui: "It was never enough."

You see as someone who is adopted with no information of my family besides the fact that I wasn't "worthy enough", I know what it's like to strive to find some unknown hidden purpose that I will never achieve or obtain. Its hard to find worth when the from the start you were "worthless". Once again I must congratulate the film on a job well done.

It's Ladino, not Latino

My name is Cristina Elizabeth Johns. I was born in Guatemala and was originally named Blanca Elizabeth. And I am Ladino. Not Latino. Yes there is a difference. By being born in Guatemala, I already find myself in a very small minority, but by being a Ladino from Guatemala, it makes me a minority of a minority.

Another word for Ladinos, or to get into my heritage more thoroughly. The word Ladino in Guatemala is used to describe multiple small minorities as a whole. You can usually find out what "kind" of Ladino someone is by the place they live or the people and towns they live with. Mt ancestry is majorly based from the Mayans, meaning that yes, I am full Mayan Indian. The indigenous people from Guatemala. My parents were told this from the beginning so mainly, I can be in touch of who I really am and be able to claim my ancestry even though I lack any family information or history. On official birth papers, my ethnicity goes under the category of "other" (due to the small population of ladinos. But on special documentation I am referred to as Mayan. But my foster parents and adoptive parents from the beginning have always referred to me as Mayan Indian. It's only proper for me to have some identity or people to have.

It's sometimes hard when trying to explain my ethnicity. People also try to correct me because for some reason they think I'm wrong or saying "Latino" wrong. But nope. It's Ladino not Latino.

The End of the first semester

As this semester comes to an end, and I get to sit here and write papers until the late hours of the night, I get to reflect on how my first semester went. I can honestly say that it didn't turn out the way I expected, but I don't think that's totally a bad thing. I wasn't originally planning on attending college so was a whole this was a totally new experience. I am so happy that I made the decision to come, I don't think I would have matured this quick in 3 months. I have loved the chance to expand my knowledge and have my beliefs, theories, and philosophy challenged. The diversity I've been able to experience here has been great. And the respect and accept of my ethnicity has also been a blessing. So I guess in the end my first semester wasn't all that bad. Sure I had some pretty big bumps in the road, but I'm still here.

Moana - A change in Disney

I finally had the chance to go see Moana the new animated movie about an island girl who journeys across the sea to save her people from the darkness closing in on them.

And can I just say, finally! A movie, a disney movie, ABOUT BROWN PEOPLE! Played by BROWN PEOPLE. WITH TATTOOS! And on top of it all, the movie actually had a plot.

 The respect that was put into making this movie is actually really refreshing and touching.

The thing that stuck out to me the most was Maui's story of his adoption by the gods. It may not have stuck out to a lot of people but it did to me. When he said, "the one person who should have loved me threw me to the sea." It felt so real, as someone who is adopted.

I have to congratulate Disney for getting real for once. I absolutely loved Moana and I would definitely see it again.

Comfort Movies

It's late in the night...or early in the morning, I haven't decided which I'll choose it to be and that means it's time to contemplate my existence. Or at least the existence of something.

I've noticed something about myself since I began in the film production. I do not have a comfort movie. I don't have that one movie where I can sit and watch it senselessly. You know, that movie that you go to on sick days because it contains secret magical healing powers that only you know about. That one movie.

I don't know what that says about my character or my movie watching ethic but I'm quite confused by the whole ordeal. So now my goal is to find a comfort movie because everyone needs that one safe haven where we don't have to do, be, or say anything to be okay.

Cigarette Aesthetic

Maybe it's best if not everything is explained, like this. Image this: cigarette in hand, smoke leaving the mouth, an alive feeling rising inside. To be able to control something so dangerous with the flick of your finger.

It's a cigarette aesthetic. it's unexplainable beautiful, and it makes you think. With this it's like you put all your problems in a 3 inch small round tube and you just burn it all away.

Like I said not everything should be explained and not everything can be put down in words. Things like a cigarette aesthetic is something of a tragic beauty, and the realistic thing is the rest of the world is the same way. We humans are flawed, this world isn't perfect, but in sameway we are able to find beauty, even in the dark things.

Oscar Wilde's Aesthetic

So as this semester comes to end, I just thought I'd re-visit something. After going through the readings for this course and watching the short films and videos, I still stand by my belief in Oscar Wilde's aesthetic. 

Yes, I believe that film should be used as a medium for storytellers but as mentioned earlier, sometimes one needs to "art for art's sake". I believe through aesthetics one will be influenced enough to find a story or tell the story. Because with something aesthetically pleasing it doesn't need explanation but at the same time it influences the consumer to take action. 

To be able to produce something that doesn't need some philosophical explanation but makes you feel alive, that is what an aesthetic is. I hope that I am able to do the same without divulging into the movement to the point where my aesthetics become vain. But I want to give a rush and pleasure to others visual to help them think. 

Another Question

So I like to question things, its sort of this past time that keeps my mind busy. So to finish out this blogging project I'm going to write...my questions.

So this has been on my mind recently. Do we, as young adults/grown people do things or enjoy certain things or have habits that we can't explain because those things started when we were an adolescence?

Now as crazy as this theory sounds the thought came to my head when I was talking to my parents. I have this thing about facial hair (I know, weird, just keep an open mind) but it's not like some attraction, it's a comfort thing. It feel like home. Its one of those things I can't explained and I don't choose to explain, but as I was trying to relay this to my parents my mom gave me this piece of information.

         During my adoption process I was placed in the care of a foster family in Guatemala for six months. My foster father had facial hair. And according to my parents I was quite  attached to him and hair in general.

It just makes me think or wonder if theres something deep inside me that feeds my motivations and my personality that began in the early months and years of me being an adolescent.

Blog Full of Questions

So as this semester comes to an end, and as we bring this class into a closing, I was trying to figure out what to fill up my blogs about. I got tired of thinking of movies to write a review about. And sometimes its a little bit tedious to try and think of some theoretical theory for each movie I watch. So I thought why not just write down all the questions that come to mind when I watch a movie. I won't have the urge to find an answer, I'll be satisfied with being unsatisfied by the cinematic beauty we call film.

So here goes nothing: the first movie is Walter Mitty.

The biggest question that I had after watching Walter Mitty, was when Mitty made it to Greenland, more specifically the pub in the small town. Walter had a decision to make: get on the helicopter with the extremely drunk man or stay where he is and give up on finding his lost negative. He decides to get on the helicopter with the help of what at first seems to be a mirage of his imagination. Cheryl from Walter's work place seemingly shows up and sings to him which in the end boost his  confidence and he jumps onto the departing helicopter.

Once Walter jumps onto the helicopter he looks back, in this moment, after this daring move in his life, I feel as though that jump signifies the end of his "daydreams" but when he looks back Cheryl is still standing there playing guitar.

In the end Walter tells her about the "strange" daydream, and surprisingly she doesn't laugh and deny it, neither does she claim the action either. She doesn't seem weirded out by this either. I guess the biggest thing that I questioned was whether she was actually there or not. Was Cheryl there playing guitar for Walter or was it the last daydream he had and it turned out to be the best one yet?

Coraline and Claymation

Referring back to my first blog about Coraline, which I just decided to finally watch, I really have never been of fan of claymation. I could never really pinpoint an actual reason why. Maybe cause of the disturbing realism claymation produces or the way the characters move. But after watching Coraline I finally figured out why claymation hits a soft spot inside in me.

Before I continue on, I have to say, that I actually really did enjoy Coraline, and I would recommend watching it. Continuing on with what scares me the most about claymation in general. Two things, the first the unnatural realism to humans all the while separating itself in the weird body shapes given to characters. For instance, Coraline holding the shape and characteristics of a small girl child all the while being quite different and separated from reality. The second thing, is the way that the characters can contort themselves and change shapes. Once I got used to the human resemblance and connected them to reality, I would immediently be frighten by the easy ability for a life-like character to change its body or be contorted into a different being entirely. Just like the "other" mother and father, the mother with her ability to grown and slim herself down to be able to crawl around like a spider. And the father to be contorted into a pumpkin shape all the while retaining its facial feature of a man.

Over all I liked the movie, and I was pleasantly scared by the story and the characters themselves. 

Coraline - Soundtrack

                I decided to finally venture outside my comfort zone of movie genres, and watch Coraline. Now, I already have problem with claymation because of it's realistic aspects but I wanted to know what the big deal was about this movie. 

         The thing that I found the most curious about the whole film was its soundtrack. Music is the most important to me, it helps me connect to a movie past whats just on the screen. The first song that played when the movie started wasn't scary or even a normal title screen theme song. It was nonsense. Literal nonsense.

         Coulais' score was performed by the Hungarian Symphony Orchestra and sung by the Children's Choir of Nice in a nonsense language. The thing is the music worked and didn't work with the film. It made me feel something, but that something didn't match up with the film. The opening scene was meant to be darker and more symbolic but with the voice of an innocent girl singing in a fantasy language it was hard to be focused on how i should be slightly disturbed. And thats why I think the soundtrack did work. It took its audience on a psychological journey which helped push the film further to the hearts and minds of those who watched. 

Music Videos

When I watch music videos or a story being told through music, I find that the best videos are the ones that do not need an explanation. The music videos that I connect to the most are the ones that make me think or feel whether I fully understand the content or not.

I found it hard to be moved or connect to the videos on Tuesday because they had to be explained. The last video was the only one that I felt something form, but the other ones were hard to enjoy. Because to understand or enjoy them, they needed to have the history and background stories explained first. 

I feel like music moves people on its on, so when illustrating music, the illustration should have the same impact. Most music doesn't need an explanation, whether its a foreign language or pop music. Music is there to help us feel something. 

Au Jour - Quiz #2 Essay

The essay from The Women in Animation pt. 2 sets up the film Au Jour perfectly. In the essay it discusses how women are finding more ways to share their opinions and experiences. One way is through animation. Through short films like Au Jour it gives the audience the freedom to interpret the art in different ways because it helps them feel something.

The topic that women are able to produce films to convey certain feelings is shown through Au Jour. It confronts the topic of a relationship and how the woman feels after their significant other leaves. At the same time, someone could watch that short film and interpret it a different way.

The way I connect to this short film from an educational stand-point is that not every short film has to be some visual masterpiece. The goal of telling a story is to convey your thoughts and feelings and provoking the audience to feel and think something.

In Class Discussion

Okay, this has been bothering me since last week. Maybe I'm being too "sensitive", maybe I have a point to my madness. During the women of animations class discussion, the subject of rape came up. And while many were trying to be sympathetic towards rape victims, the problem is that one cannot actually feel the hurt, pain, or burden that those victims feel.

A person can feel sad for a victim of such assault but one can never feel the actually pain until they have been in that situation. (And I hope that no one will ever have to be in that position.)

This is the problem I had with the discussion, while we try to be sympathetic, we end up trying to relate our personal situations with those with a background of being sexually assaulted. We try to speak for those who don't wish to speak up. Because we think we can relate, but the problem is, not all situations are relatable.

The worst thing people have ever said to me when they try to help or be sympathetic to my own situations is: "same" or "I feel that". When it's quite the opposite. People think they are helping if they can somehow relate to the opposite opinion, but the problem is they only make the situation worse.

Sometimes all a person needs is to be able to be mad, or upset, and maybe (just for a second) unrelatable. Healing doesn't always come from sympathy or understanding, sometimes it just comes from listening and a willing heart.

"Medicine" - A Dance Film

The song holds a dark truth on its own, but when your visual something so heavy like this it draws an emotion that some may not understand.

Medicine is about someone who needs a release, "medicine", to cope with the life that they face. Automatically you may think drugs, but in our generation thats not always the case. Medicine can be anything that can make you feel something. That gives you a rush, that makes you feel alive. It's a release. In this dance film you watch two people, one who is on that "medication" for life, the other not. And as the one who isn't on medicine tries to save the one who is, she slowly gets sucked into that world. And in the end they both are in need of medicine.



The lyrics that stick out the most to me are:

You could still be,
What you want to,
What you said you were,
When I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
You've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
From all the medicine.

The need for a release does this. It slowly takes away from the person, whether they see it or not. Medicine is supposed to heal someone, so it shouldn't be harmful. There should be no worries. Because all it is, is medicine. 

It's My Body

Here's just a quick background about me. I have 3 tattoos and I am planning on getting 10 more. Yes 10 more. I'm not saying that to have a shock value or to be different. I have spent years now knowing and sometimes dwelling on the permanent art that I will and have put on my body.

When people see my tattoos they always ask, "what do they mean", "what is that", "do you have more", "are you getting more". Once I answer the questions in the quickest fashion that I can. It comes down to whether they look me in the eye and give me their approval or not. And most of the time, sadly, people disapprove. Not just adults but people around me. People I live with.

And if say I gain the approval for the 3 I have, once I say 10 more. The shame and disgust rains down. Cause what people think, and what I know, are two very different things. 10 doesn't mean a giant sleeve on my arm. It doesn't mean my face will have words written across it. It doesn't mean, they change ME, just my appearance.

10 is not a permanent number. When I respond, I do it with the same words, "I am planning". Future tense. Changeable, not permanent.

Permanent art. That is what I call it. That is what it is. It is beautiful....TO ME.

This is my theory. My opinion. We as humans, cannot point to something and say this is the permeant standard for beauty. Because we as humans do not think the same. I will point at the art on my arm and say "pretty" you may point and say "disappointed". It is an opinion.

I'm not defending the body art that people openly say was a mistake. Or the art with absolutely no meaning behind it. I'm standing up for those with a story and who express that story through art.

The Monster Inside Us

I stumbled upon this terrifying gem a few days ago. And from the title, I knew I wouldn't enjoy the horror experience. But as the story carried on and I got over the darkness of it all, a thought dawned on me. What if this animated short film represented more than just a tale of a monsters chasing a little girl through a "haunted house" as most horror films do.



The abusive relation between her parents was viewed as a monster in the little girls eyes. Therefore making her parents into the monsters from her nightmares or her storybooks. And in the end she sees herself as one of them. Why? Because of their strong influence on her life that she can't overcome.



We all have our monsters, it's up to us to let them go.